Dog (noun) : a loyal companion; faithful friend; a wise teacher

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"The great thing about a dog is that you can make a fool of yourself in front of her and not only will she not scold you, but she will frequently make a fool of herself too." 

-unknown 

Swimming at St. Joe State Park in the Panhandle.

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I am a dog lover.  I grew up with lots of dogs around me.  Almost every picture of me as a child has a dog in it.  Luckily for me, I married a dog lover.  Nick and I couldn't wait until we had a place so we could finally have a dog.  In fact, we often say the only reason we bought our own home was so we could finally get a dog.  The longest either of us had ever been without a dog was the first four years we were married because we were renters and no one allowed big dogs.  In 2008, we were finally in a position to be pet-parents!  We decided to adopt from the Golden Retriever Rescue of Mid-Florida.  I became familiar with GRR when my parents adopted our last family dog, Jake, from the St. Louis, Missouri chapter.  He was a great guy who needed a second chance.  So when Nick and I considered our options, we knew we had to check into GRR.  The Mid-Florida chapter had just what we were looking for...a beautiful red golden girl.  Her name was Jordan which we thought was fitting since our niece's name is also Jordan.  We took it as a sign.  The bonus for us, is that we found out Jordan came with her brother, Zeus, a golden blond boy.  They grew up together and GRRMF didn't want to separate them if at all possible since they were seniors and had lived their whole lives together.  We had intended just one, but thought, "why not?"  Goldens, after all are quite social and like interaction.  They would keep each other company and we'd be helping to keep them together.  Finally, after a long adoption process full of applications, interviews and house visits, we were awarded Jordan and her brother, Zeus... 

Eyeing up the bird on Thanksgiving 2009.

...fast forward this story to last December.  Zeus was going in for surgery to remove a tumor that was on the outside of his front elbow.  Since we were in and out of the vet for that, we took Jordan in for her yearly check-up.  She is the type-A golden--healthy, likes to retrieve everything and is a big fan of swimming and going for her daily walk.  We did not expect the news we were given.  The vet found a softball-sized tumor on her spleen.  Surgery wasn't really an option and we would not put her through chemo, so we decided to leave it as is.  It is terminal and the vet informed us it could be anywhere from one month to a year, depending on how quickly it spreads.  She could maintain her normal lifestyle with the exception of frisbee.  She could no longer bound around, jumping for the frisbee because the motion could puncture the tumor...if that happens she has just 12 hours...

Hanging out by the campfire.

...so here we are in late April and Jordan is still with us.  She is deteriorating and seems to be shrinking away to me, but she is still active, still eating, still wanting to go to the park and loves her daily walks around the neighborhood.  But she is dying.  

There are hardly words for me to express the pain I feel watching her and trying to care for her and soothe her on her bad days.  And, then turn to soothe Nick or have him try and soothe me.  It's a heart-breaking, wretched feeling.  You know, I can't compare this to death of a loved one because in that case, I was able to say things like, "she lived a long, healthy life."  "she didn't suffer."  "he was ready to go and no longer in pain."  and, other coping statements that accompany a long-life lived.  But, when it's your dog...and your first dog, at that...there are no coping statements.  It's just a reality when you are a pet owner.  You love a dog, care for it, it is part of your family, but you always know at some point they have to move from this life.  I've gone through this with my other family dogs, but Jordan is my dog.  My very own; my first dog.  She is part of mine and Nick's family.   

We would often dress them up in polos during our house remodel...it always made us laugh in an otherwise stressful time.

Zeus is doing well so far.  I am confident that he knows there is something up with her.  He occasionally  smells her tummy where the tumor is, like he knows it is in there.  He sleeps near her a lot of the time and is more gentle when they play without us even reminding him to be that way.  Their little pack is resilient and flexible and understanding; it an amazing thing to witness.  

What's more amazing to me is how Jordan has been behaving since the diagnosis.  At first there were hardly any signs, but slowly, over time, they've developed and are now continuing to manifest in different ways.  Thankfully, many days are still good days.  She is sleeping well, still has an appetite most of the time, gets excited for walks and acts as our yard-sentinel.  Beyond that, she has bright spots even on her bad days.  She knows she is dying but she is enjoying the hell out of each day.  

She loves snoozing by the Christmas tree.

What a great lesson, little Jordan-girl has given to us.  She doesn't complain, she doesn't whine, she goes on about her day enjoying each little thing she can.  She isn't worried about the walk next week, she is happy to be on the one she's on now.  She isn't snippy and barking because she couldn't eat breakfast.  She still loves, she is still loyal, she is still retrieving.  It reminds me of all the time I can sometimes waste being caught up in the negative aspects of a situation.  Watching her go through this has taught me a lot about being grateful, about being in the present and about carrying on even when there is a lot crap that I don't like, don't understand or don't want.  She's also brought a lot of joy.  

I am going to miss her when she finally passes.  I tell her each night that it's okay if she wants to go to sleep and not wake up because if she's in pain, I don't want her to suffer just to stick around with us since she's loyal almost to a fault.  I have this visual of her going to join my grandparents and good friend, Annie, in some form of heaven.  It helps me to feel better thinking they'll all be together...  


In any case, I appreciate you for reading this story about my good dog, Jordan.  It is hard for me to talk about but sharing this story through the written word greatly helps.  Throughout this article, I've included some of my favorite pictures of her from many of our experiences together.  I hope you enjoyed them.  Now, I am going to go and enjoy some time with her...